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The Stooges, The Stooges

Elektra, May 19, 1969

Track Listing: 1. 1969, 2. I Wanna Be Your Dog, 3. We Will Fall, 4. No Fun, 5. Real Cool Time, 6. Ann, 7. Not Right, 8. Little Doll

It was 1969. The 1-year-old in the crib—Rex Christopher Ryan—knew nothing about the war across the USA even though he could see the images coming from the box across the room. He was all nipple and pacifier and wide-eyed wonder. Bloody soldiers, dead bodies, helicopters, Walter Cronkite, and Richard Nixon couldn’t possibly register. But they were pieces all the same, pieces of a crazy new world that he landed upon one night, naked and afraid, out of the darkness and into the light.


Saturday morning, 11 A.M. The 2010 IML Leather Market had a definite buzz in the air in no small part a result of the year’s hot new item: 3D porn. It helped temper the outcry of some who were upset about the decision to outlaw vendors from selling bareback videos. Rex Ryan didn’t quite feel the excitement himself. He wasn’t feeling much of anything except the occasional tug of the leash that was attached to the dog collar fastened tightly around his neck. He was being pulled by Paul (aka, a strange old man who was buck naked if you didn’t count the butt ugly, skimpy leather body harness). So messed up I want you here. Rex did feel a bit ridiculous if truth be told, a 41-year-old man, being paraded around in public like a dog so that his master could nab, among other things, a copy of “The Hurt Locker Room 3D” starring Tyler Glyde in a performance that, according to the front of the box, was the most immersive experience in film history (apologies to Avatar). This was before Rex understood the significance of Paul’s Tyler Glyde-obsession. Of course, he would find out about all of that soon enough.

The text arrives at 10:18 P.M. Don’t forget to come, Room 121. He is out to dinner with his wife when he receives the message. After all, isn’t that how these things go? They are at a fancy restaurant celebrating their 15th anniversary. There is a violinist playing some slow, dying melody when Rex feels the vibration in his pants. The timing triggers a sudden bout of guilt as he looks across the table at his unknowing wife. All the while, the violin continues its sad cry. To Rex, it sounds like a requiem—goodbye, goodbye—for the woman he has spent nearly half his life with. He feels sadness, although truth be told, it doesn’t last because most of all, he just feels horny.

She is at the motel in plenty of time. The look on his face, she thought, if only she would be there to see it. Maybe. Who knows? She takes the bottle of pills from her purse and grabs the tequila in her other hand. She cannot stand the thought of Rex anymore. Not now. No fun to hang around freaked out for another day.

When the officers called with the news about Billy, she already knew. It was if she had always known and had simply been waiting in agony all these years for it to become official. And now it was. Her baby had been erased. Her only child, taken from her womb, had now been ripped from her heart too, simply erased from the universe, blown to bits by a roadside bomb in Iraq. A shiver down her spine bounces off her empty, hollow insides. There is nothing left. She is nothing, nothing at all. Except an adulterer.

Who knows why things work the way they do? Rex was drawn to the man’s confidence, his control. One of the first things Paul said at the bar on the night they met was: Can I come over tonight? It wouldn’t have been his first. I say we will have a real cool time tonight. No doubt. A few more drinks and away we go.

Ann. He couldn’t stop saying her name. Ann, my Ann I love you Ann. Oh, how he cried. It seemed like hours before he finally came to. It was then that he convinced himself that the only thing he could do was get the hell out of there, and fast. Rex was even too gutless to call 911. He didn’t sleep the rest of the night. He still wonders how long she was there, alone on the filthy bed, in that sleazy motel room.

The cleaning lady knew the second she opened the door. She’s not right. It wasn’t the first dead body she had stumbled upon. She thought of her mother and gasped, dropping the room keys on the floor.

Shake you little doll. These new sex dolls were so real, you couldn’t believe your eyes. The stars that you had come to love were now available as your very own silicone life-size take-home sex slaves. Naturally when Paul saw the Tyler Glyde doll, the scene turned all-Hollywood moment, Scarlett O’Hara coming down a winding Tara staircase in a moment that lives forever. In that moment of moments, Master Paul took a glimpse into the future and liked every bit of what he saw. You’re the one who makes me sing, bring happiness and everything, you’re the only real one. Paul dropped the leash and grabbed for his wallet. He looked down at Rex. Poor, pathetic Rex. Clearly, his services would no longer be needed.